D&D & Me

A few weekends ago, I finally played my first game of Dungeons and Dragons. One of my brother-in-law’s friends couldn’t make it so I got to fill in with his character.

At first, I was wicked excited about playing as a super cool leveled up character… I’m going to be a wicked badass dwarf with a super huge battle axe with a skull on the end. “Wait, what?”, they said. “No, no… you are this dude.” I grabbed the stat sheet and took a look.

“You’re INSERT NERDY GEEK NAME HERE, a 5’4″ 240lbs. ex-cop turned pirate whose got a chip on his shoulder.”, said the Dungeon Master.

“Are you freaking serious!?!” I exclaimed! Ever since I’ve been younger I’ve always wanted to be an ex-cop. You know… all Streets of Rage. Those ex-cops were 21-23 years old. It was a dream come true. If that dream involved a fat dude that shows his ass like the guy from NYPD Blue.

Unbeknownst to me, D&D doesn’t honestly have to be in a dungeon with dragons at all. The Dungeon master sets up the game with a different theme, etc that lasts for weeks and weeks on end. I think they had been playing this one for over a half-year.

We ended up talking to some old dude, who offered us a job to kill or frame this dude so we could get the booty from this old mine. Luckily for us, there was a giant party the man was throwing that my two pirate pals could sneak in as guests while I would blend in with the servants. I used Intimidate +3 to find information only to roll crap with the dice so I ended up beating the crap out of a guy for info. I eventually made my way into a coffin which led to a hallway where I +5 curbstomped a dude who was in ghost form in another room and his body was just chillin. Then I made my way to the safe, grabbed some incriminating evidence to frame this dude.

At the same time I was doing all this work to help us get the booty, my pirate colleagues were sneaking around the place and heard the head guy get into a fight with three guys with +7 badass. They ended up fighting them all, and all his guards came up to help. By the time I made it there one of our pirates was bleeding out +1 and we quickly destroyed everyone and took the main guy back to our ship for questioning.

This scenario lasted somewhere between 4 to 5 hours. Seriously. An entire 12-pack of orange pop & a few bags of chips were consumed.

Now it’s back to my normal and mundane life. Oh to be a short, fat ex-cop once more!