Here I am, trying to enjoy a nice relaxing evening with my husband and friend at our local cinema. You are obviously enjoying your gigantic box of Nerds. And scratching your large arms. And then eating scratched off bits of skin.

I can’t believe what I am seeing, but I try to focus on the movie. But darnit, it’s just to weird. It’s just TOO WEIRD.

Amazed, I finish the film without hardly remembering what it was we went there to watch in the first place. While your performance did inspire awe in me, I would rather not sit near you in future movies.

I appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

I thought it was a great idea to see how many downloads you can get in 24hrs. Perhaps you will win some sort of World Records like you’re hoping. I say “perhaps” because I have been waiting for 2 hours now to go and download it.

Yes, I’ve been waiting because your website is busted and completely down. I can only assume that people are trying to help you out as well and now you are overwhelmed with hits. Maybe you should have prepared a bit more before telling us when it would be available… considering you’re trying to break the download record, I assumed that you would have thought about that. Oh well.

Still can’t wait. Download it when you can folks. (And if you’re still using Internet Explorer you should be ashamed of yourself… and everyone who makes websites hates you.)

I mean, of course I’ll still watch Lost next week, but don’t expect me to enjoy it.

since when the hell is green apple the default green candy flavor? green apple doesn’t mix well with any other fruit flavor. wtf candy companies?

Paid for by the Bring Back Lime Flavor Coalition

Anyways, I whole-heartedly agree. Bring back lime FTW!

Do you think that by placing a political or religious sticker on your car is going to make me love you or agree with you? All it seems to do is make me not like you.

Take for example, my drive this morning to work… I was following a driver who had a “for President” sticker on their car. Did it really make me want to vote for their candidate? No. Of course not!

Well why not? you ask… because that election was held 7 years ago!!! Now, everyone thinks you’re an idiot. Why??? Well, it’s not because your “choice” didn’t make it into office… It’s the fact that you put a sticker on your car which only led to a disappointing embarrassment when you realized they totally lost and you permanently made your car look stupid thus making you STUPID.

Oh, and “funny” bumper stickers… don’t get me started. I know you’re trying to be clever and all, but I have already judged and assumed that “your other car is a piece of shit, too” — yeah… and probably the other five that are on blocks around your “property.”

First off, I’m sorry (but not really).

I didn’t mean to almost laugh in your face when we walked around to the next aisle and you were there. My wife knew that she didn’t need to turn around and look at me to see you. You were so obvious. It’s just… well. You had your Hawaiian shirt completely unbuttoned and I saw your wrinkly gross abs. I mean, what the heck were you thinking? It’s not that hot in the grocery store.

I could only think of one reason you would do that. You’re crazy and you escaped from some place. If you’re not crazy, why did you make up your own parking spot in the fire lane? I drove by you to make sure everything was a-ok (and to try to snap a picture), but you looked right at us and made it awkward again.

Please button your clothing. This goes for all old people. Hot babes need not to worry.

EDIT: Apparently not everyone has forgotten… Five years, six albums and still no trial for R. Kelly

I see that you brought my thin crust, pepperoni pizza all nice and warm. Thank you.

You actually brought it 15 minutes earlier than the guy on the phone said, which comes as a complete and total shock to me. I’m sure that you are also shocked as well… at my appearance. For that I am sorry.

Oh yeah, sorry that I’m handing you wet money. That totally sucks, but since I don’t have my glasses I can’t look for smaller bills and guess what? You can keep the change my friend, since you had to see a half-naked, dripping man come to the door.

Also, you are correct in your assumption that I was wearing my wife’s robe and that it is way too small for me.

One more thing, it… was… delicious!

All I know is that you were wrong. I did not want to see your giant pile of turds that you left in the toilet.

At first we thanked the heavens for something else to talk about besides the election we will be forced to hear about for TWO friggin’ years. But now, we’re sick of all the “breaking” news about Anna. Honestly, if we hear about one more pathetic loser lining up for the slim-chance-in-hell-of-possibly-but-probably-not-being-the-daddy train, we’re going stick hot pokers in our ears.

This is our final, desperate plea for help.

Maury, we need you. Like we’ve never needed you before. Please tell us who the sperm-doner is so we can move on with our lives!