If you were to look up the word “WALL” in the dictionary you would probably have a definition of “a solid structure that either divides or protects a certain area.”

A wall is a funny thing to me. Not only does it separate living space, but it gives you a sense of privacy. That last part is what I find humorous.

If you don’t understand what I’m talking about let me explain. Sometimes, someone asks to use your bathroom, and then they go in and shut the door. Sometimes, they think that the wall and door will hold in the sound that they produce whilst inside. More than likely, it will not. When the current resident of said dwelling area hears that sound, it is hard not to CAPITAL LOL all over the place. Plus, if you start laughing they’ll hear you and it will ruin everything.

I do think that the worst wall is the one that can’t been seen. Perhaps you’re just in a rush and go into a public restroom, or maybe someone warns you to wait a few minutes before going in, but you don’t listen. That’s when you walk right into a wall of smell. The great thing is, everyone reading this can totally remember a time this has happened. It’s the universal oh-my-gosh-I’m-going-to-puke moment.

Walls are a funny thing. Remember next time to wait a little bit before running face first into a wall made of farts, and quit wondering if anyone can hear you because they totally can.

My mom tells a story about her uncle and a creepy period of his life that involved a shadowy figure.

Uncle grew up on a farm, and as a young man, he was responsible for hitching up the horses to the carriage to run errands in town or drive the family to church. For a period of a several days one year, he would sometimes see a dark, shadowy figure hanging around the barn. It would lurk away when he approached it. Later on, it would come closer to him. Eventually, things escalated to the point that when Uncle was driving the carraige down the dirt road, the figure would jump in front of him. Unable to stop, my uncle would run over it…but when he looked back, nothing would be in the road. This happened on more than one occasion.

Obviously, these events really shook Uncle up. No longer thinking it was just his imagination, he decided to confide in his father and ask for advice. Both of the men did not believe that human spirits continue to reside on earth after death, but they did believe in the possibility that some other kind of spirit might be tormenting Uncle. Never having had an experience like this before, they decided the only thing they could do is verbally confront the figure the next time it appeared.

The very next morning, Uncle set out to hitch up the horses. When all was about finished, the shadowy figure appeared, yet again. This time, instead of chasing after it, Uncle aggressively exclaimed, “What do you want?!!?”

The figure stood still…and turning towards him, it answered:
“Some figgy pudding.”

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I think we can all relate to that.

This story appears as originally told by my mother, except for the last line. The figure actually vanished in the family’s version. Mine is more meaningful, I think.

As we should all know by now, nothing in my life is either simple or easy. This woe-is-me or pained process is something that I should probably be used to by now.

So my head itched. That’s normal right? Right? Apparently not.

Sometimes that itch on your head really isnt’ an itch. It’s a fungus. Not all the time, but if you’re me it will of course be the case. So the doctor gave me this medicine to put on my head. Awesome. Oh wait, that’s right, my doctor wasn’t specific when seizuring w/ a pencil on that note I took the pharmacy. Guess what I got?

A cream.

Do you understand how hard it is to put an effing cream on your head when you have hair? I’m not saying I have a ton, but still. Come on. It was a bigger pain in the ass to put on than having my head itch. I wrote a letter and sent it w/ my wife as she had an appointment with the doctor the next day. Luckily, I got another prescription for some shampoo without going back in. And by luckily, I mean it was easier to apply than the cream, but it made my head smell like rotten metal (if there is such a thing).

So the moral of the story is, sometimes when you have an itch it will turn out to be a fungus that you’ll need to treat so specify that you want that nasty metal smelling shampoo.

Sometimes a Life Lesson will not come from your own experience. Perhaps it will come from a loved one, a friend, something you’ll see in a video, or something you might read in a book.

This life lesson came from a book and a video. So hopefully you can gain the same wisdom I did and apply it to your life as well.

If you’re ever trapped on an island due to a plane crash, make sure to help any and all survivors to the beach. Set up camp immediately. When everyone is there call for a meeting. Pick a leader. Eventually you’ll have one tribe, and someone will get angry and split it. This happens. Learn to deal with it and hopefully you can survive with a friend, if the other tribe doesn’t want you dead.

In all honesty, the above is just general knowledge to know. The real life lesson comes down to when you have to visit the other tribe. If you happen to be fat, and have broken glasses… no matter what… do NOT stand by the rock wall. This is especially important when there are twin boys next to a giant boulder right above you. If you stand near the wall and try to talk sense into the other tribe, they will push that said boulder onto your face and kill you. This in turn will make me cry and yell out “WHY! WHY PIGGY! WHYYYYYY!”

So, to sum up. Don’t set yourself up for a boulder in the face. This life lesson was brought to you by Lord of the Flies.

We’re starting a new feature here at KnowledgeULTRA™, we’re calling it “LIFE LESSONS.” These are things that of course, we had to learn all by ourselves. There are some lessons in life you can prepare for, and hopefully when you read some of ours you’ll be better equipped.

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Bed Edition:

Sometimes buying a new bed is a wonderful idea. If you’re like me, a good night’s rest is something that I value. My wife and I have slept in a Queen size bed since we were married (this was my bed from home). We really didn’t have too many troubles at first, but over the span of a year and a half the bed was really starting to wobble around whenever we’d slightly move.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I move around a lot when I sleep. My wife is a light sleeper. When you combine those two, you get a bit frustrated when you wake up a bunch and can’t get a good night’s rest. So what do you do?

You buy a new bed!

This time we want to be able to stretch out and not be able to touch each other. So a King size bed is what we need.

But what do you do when you live in an apartment where there is no way you’ll be able to get a King sized mattress up the stairs? Or when one of you loves the softness of a bed and the other enjoys a firm one?

You get divorced.

Wait wait… No, there is another way!!! You can get two twin sized mattresses and stick them together. With their powers combined they form a “SUPER MEGA ULTRA KING BED THAT IS SHORTER THAN A KING SO MY FEET HANG OFF BUT I STILL CAN ROLL AROUND AND NOT WAKE UP MY WIFE AND FINALLY BE ABLE TO SLEEP THE ENTIRE NIGHT ON MY SIDE OF THE BED WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY AND HAVING TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH AWESOMENESSSSSS!!!”

We bought two twin mattresses and we planned on putting them together to make a king. I ended up buying a Simmons Pillowtop and the wife got a Plush. Mine is soft, her’s is firm. So we both got what we wanted and when they arrived we could sleep in wonderful marital bliss. But I got ahead of myself, I forgot that it was my life I was living, so of course there was going to be a problem.

When we ordered the beds, we were told they would be delivered on Saturday. This was followed up by a phone call on Thursday to remind us (duh, I was so excited I could think of nothing else). On Friday, my father was nice enough to help me load my old bed up and take it to their house so we could easily get the new beds in the next morning. I slept on the couch and my wife slept on the blow up mattress. It was like a sleepover on Christmas.

The next morning, I received a call at 7. Finally the call to let us know when they’re coming that day! “GOOOOOD MOORRNING!” I exclaimed! “Mr. Johnson?” - the man asked. “Yes” - “The truck delivering your beds didn’t show up this morning.” - “Wait, what?” - “We don’t have your beds, and are not certain when they’ll arrive.” - “Shit”

Life Lesson: Don’t give your bed away, until you have the new bed in your house. Or you’ll have to sleep on a crappy “loaner” mattress that is covered in plastic and the sound it makes when you move is ten times worse than moving around on the old bed.