Category Archives: ULTRAmom™

She doesn’t do this as much any more, but when my mom would run into someone she didn’t want to talk to (like an annoying street performer or survey taker) she would pretend she didn’t speak English. Also, I think she still calls “Gorditas” “Gorditoes.” I gave up correcting her a long, long time ago. [...]

One time, before my husband and I were married, we were eating lunch at home with my mom when she spontaneously decided to talk about birth control. As if that wasn’t awkward enough, she used her hands and a McDonald’s bath toy to demonstrate how a diaphragm works.

Mom said that she used to work at the cafeteria when she was in college. One time, a guy came through the line, and her friend started whispering to her (loud enough that the guy could hear) that he was a commie. Mom knew that wasn’t true but thought it’d be fun to get him [...]

Years back, my mom had a very nasty gum surgery where they actually cut pieces of her gums and jaw and replaced them with bone and tissue from a cadaver. Immediately afterwards, while she was still doped up and had a mouth packed with gauze, she insisted that my dad take her to Penny’s because [...]