Now if I could only post on a more regular basis. We’ll see.

Colorado Springs police are looking for a man who hit two 7-Eleven convenience stores early Wednesday, armed with a Klingon sword inspired by the Star Trek science fiction series.

I don’t know what’s funnier: the fact that the man committed robberies with a Klingon sword, or the fact that some of you read the above text and are probably going to comment that the sword is called a “Batleth.” There- I ruined it for you nerds.

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“I can’t afford a hotel room to cheat on my wife.”

This is the best weather report site I’ve ever ran across. So simple and perfect. For those not afraid of giving their numbers out, check out this awesomeness:

We will text message you on days you’ll need umbrella with our weather report.

Pretty impressive. So do you need an umbrella today? I do.

It says ‘I don’t really care very much. I really don’t have time to worry about the way that I look, because I have 20 children,”‘ Gibson said. “‘He’s going from wife to wife to wife, so why should I look any better than the other ones?”

*Gigantic exclamation point followed by strings of intelligible symbols*

The study’s findings are shocking in that they completely contradict the current thinking about nutrition and fertility. Historically, women in times of famine were statistically less likely to conceive than women living in a time of readily available, nutrient-rich food. Scientists took this to mean that improving a woman’s nutrition (including more vitamin-rich fruits and vegetables), might help her chances of getting pregnant.

The theory now is that while depriving the body of any food certainly hurts the odds of conception, a traditionally “healthy” diet may not boost fertility to as high a degree as previously thought—at least not as high a degree as the diet reported by the teenage girls. “If you really want to increase your chances of getting pregnant, we now suggest you consume a diet consisting mainly of 20 ounce bottles of Mountain Dew (regular or diet) and convenient bags of Funyuns,” says Dr. Edgar Mathlow, one of the leading researchers in the groundbreaking study.

While this finding is indeed rocking the scientific community, another correlation seen in the research is equally (if not more) surprising: it appears that coupling the unusual diet with not actually having sexual intercourse raises the odds of pregnancy even higher. Many participants, including one named Angel, reported to the researchers that they “never even had sex. I don’t know how this happened. I’m not a slut like Chastity.”

The researchers conclude that perhaps this explains why some mature women cannot get pregnant—merely because they are trying to get pregnant. These new findings suggest that maybe these women would have better luck ignoring sound nutritional advice and abstaining from intercourse.

Furthermore, the study raises another question that is already hotly debated in public schools: should vending machines be commonplace in educational facilities? This research is bound to give even more validity to the “No” side of the argument.

Happily married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people or singles, a Brigham Young University study says.

My blood pressure has been an issue since 2006. I can’t believe it’s still that. An issue. Anyways, interesting article but what does it say about my marriage?

(Nothing.)

What is a minor heart-attack?

Get better Alex!

Fear not, fellow Americans! In these dark days of war, pestilence and Paris Hilton, a new hero has arisen. She is none other than 75-year-old Mona “The Hammer” Shaw, who took the aforementioned implement to her local Comcast office in Manassas to settle a score, and boy, did she!

:Taking a Whack Against Comcast: