Rating: 2 out 5 people will want to get Bangkok Dangerous all over someone’s ass after watching this film.

TMNT
A great new 3D animated story of the turtles after they’ve disbanded for a while, and must team up once again to save the world. 3 out of 5 children stood up and danced at the song in the credits.

Grindhouse
Two B-Movies for the price of one! Planet Terror is the better of the two, but the whole experience was extremely awesome. 4.5 out of 5 fake trailers should be made into real films.

Blades of Glory
An alright comedy about two ice skating male rivals eventually team up to go for the gold medal in pairs skating. 3 out of 5 “HOLY CRAP”‘s were heard when Jenna Fisher came out in lingerie.

Disturbia
Shia Lebouf is under house arrest so he started watching his neighbors in this updated “Rear Window” like thiller. 4 out of 5 main actors were not in the Matrix.

Lady in the Water

The twist of this movie… is that it sucked. 2 out of 5 characters in this movie were cool.

The Gridiron Gang

A true story about Juvies playing football for self-esteem starring Dwayne Johnson and Xzibit. 3 out of 5 inmates had their cars pimped during the movie.

Little Miss Sunshine

This movie has the absolute best dance sequence ever. 5 out of 5 moms were shocked and appalled.

Poseidon

A giant wave flips a giant boat and giant perils stand in a few people’s way. 4 out of 5 people agree that Kurt Russell is still awesome.

Miami Vice

A movie too long, too boring, and had the least-action for an action movie I’ve ever seen. 0 out of 5 gofast boats did anything other that take people from point A to point B.

Idiocracy

Mike Judge’s new movie was too dumb for it’s own good. 2 out of 5 balls were destroyed filming “Ow my Balls!”.

School for Scoundrels

Napoleon Dynamite’s Jon Heder stars in a new movie I don’t hate and does a pretty decent job with his hilarious comedian castmates. 3.5 out of 5 lessons were pretty great ideas.

A Christmas Story

I’ve never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Miracle on 34th Street”, but I watch this film numerous times a year. 5 out of 5 children dressed as a bunny will shoot their eyes out.

Grandma’s Boy

Surprisingly hilarious because of Nick Swardson’s comic genius. 4 out of 5 game testers living with their grandmas can’t stop it because it feels too good.

Superman Returns

Super boring and super long. 2 out of 5 guys who dig tights will recommend this.

Zorro: The Gay Blade

Zorro’s got a busted leg, so his gay brother comes by to swashbuckle the bad guys. 3 out of 5 masked men are wearing costumes made from fruit-colored fabrics.

Gallagher: The Sledge O Matic Collection

Disc 3 was hilarious. 4 out of 5 Watermelons died making this show.

The Highlander

There should be only one “not as good as advertised movie” starring Christopher Lambert, but no…there’s many, many more. 2 out of 4 Man Pony Tails wish they appeared in this film.

The Benchwarmers

Not even the sped up fart jokes were funny (and that’s saying A LOT). 1/2 out of 4 Man-Childs thought this was hilarious.

Silent Hill

Pass the Depends, please. 3 out of 4 Religious Fanatics loved this movie.

Accepted

Has an acceptable level of hilariousity. 2 1/2 out of 4 potheads laughed their potheads off.

The Game

Get ready to blow your mind. 3 out of 4 immature high schoolers thought the twists in this movie were like insane.

Beowulf & Grendel (2005)

Beo-retarded. 0 out of 4 hairy trolls enjoyed this movie.

Does it surprise you that I saw this movie? Well, to be honest it surprised me. I’ll never forget saying “this movie is going to be stupid” walking into the theatre with my parents to see the Fast and the Furious, or when I said “I can’t believe I’m watching the sequel” whilst walking into the theatre w/ Darren for 2 Fast 2 Furious. This franchise of films looked so stupid to me, but yet I loved both the first and second films.

When I saw that none of the stars from the original or sequel were to appear in the third, I was a bit apprehensive to be honest. I saw the preview and said “Even though this looks dumb, I know I’m going to see it in the theatre.” There was no doubting this, it was fate.

So if you haven’t already seen the first two (which you should because they are surprisingly good) you won’t be out of the loop for the third. No story continuations or anything, just a new kid with a lead foot who ends up in Tokyo. What you will get out of this third film is some pretty sweet driving and drifting and you’ll leave the theatre with a smile on your face and a strong desire to pull the e-brake as you’re taking a corner. And, I used the word “and” four times in that sentence. The lead actor (Lucas Black) was entertaining, and I wanted to yeah out “Bow WooooOOW!” every time the young rapper (aka Twinkie) was on the screen.

This is the kind of film I love to watch. Something that I can just go and relax and enjoy. I’m happy with the newest turn in the franchise and hope they continue it on.

4 out of 5 Japanese girls with short skirts enjoyed this film.

I read a bunch of reviews for Nacho Libre, so I was a bit hesitant to go see it although I was really excited before reading the reviews. I guess if you’re thinking about seeing the movie you need to ask yourself: Do I like Jack Black? Did I like the way Napoleon Dynamite was directed (look/feel)? Do I like watching masked men wrestle?

If you could say yes to any of the above questions, you’ll more than likely enjoy the film. I personally was laughing out loud a lot. It was definately a comedy family film, but that is cool with me. At one point in the movie, some kid started running back to his seat in the theatre and tripped and pretty much slid on his fat stomach down the aisle. It was probably the funniest thing I’d seen in a long time and the entire theatre busted up. I felt bad because if the movie hadn’t been making us smile and laugh so much, they probably would have felt sorry for him, but instead people were almost in tears it was so funny.

Anyways, if you’re wondering whether or not to go see it I’d say go for it. It’s a good film that I enjoyed and laughed about a bunch later on.

4 out of 5 Luchadores approve.

We’ve seen so many movies lately and haven’t posted full reviews. So here is Part 2 of an on-going catching up process. Enjoy.

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The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988)

How could a movie with Eric Idle, Uma Thurman, and Robin Williams not be great? The Adventures of Baron Munchausen focuses on, of course, the Baron Munchausen and his adventures with a hopeful little girl and a group of crazy characters: a man who can run at superfast speeds, the strongest man in the world, a dude with superb eyesight, and a midget with ultimate lung-capacity. Destinations include the moon, a volcano, and the belly of a monster akin to Frankenfish. The visuals are highly entertaining, and so is much of the dialogue. Who knew torture chambers could be so funny?

4 out 5 (bonus points awarded because Munchausen is also the name of a mental illness… ZNB: “and because Uma Thurman’s boobies gave the best cameo I’ve ever seen”)

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jim Henson paints a magical picture of a young Gelfling (one of the last of his kind) and his search for the Dark Crystal. The characters are puppets of modified creatures that we would find in our own world. There are peaceful turtle-like creatures (Mystics) and evil bird-like creatures (Skeksis), but my favorite are the gigantic rabbit-like beings, played by men on stilts. Visually, the movie would have been totally awesome in the eighties. By today’s standards, the puppets and film quality are a little crappy but still pretty cool. The movie has some slow spots but gets bonus points because Michael Jackson looks like a Gelfling.

3.5 out of 5 (ZNB: “because if you watch this you’ll lose it when you see the guest appearance by Nanny Skeksis on South Park”)

Labyrinth (1986)

This is another Jim Henson picture, which we watched immediately after Dark Crystal. The Goblin King (David Bowie) kidnaps Sarah’s (Jennifer Connelly) baby brother. She must find her way through the Labyrinth in 13 hours or her brother will become a goblin. This movie has a much more light-hearted approach toward the characters and dialogue. The numerous musical numbers perpetuate the feeling of playfulness. This is definitely a cut above Dark Crystal.

5 out of 5 (ultimate bonus points awarded for being able to see David Bowie’s jewels through his tights, the ENTIRE time)

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See also: Part 1

We’ve seen so many movies lately, and haven’t posted full reviews. So here is Part 1 of an on-going catching up process. Enjoy.

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Hostel
I’ve got to say Hostel has to be my all time favorite horror torture film. Not because it was great, but because it’s the only one I’ve ever watched. Now I’m not going to say it’s a great movie, or a terrible movie… let’s just call it ok for what it was. The first oh 30-40 minutes was all about horny guys trying to get laid. There was nudity galore, and all of a sudden it was torture and gore galore. It was better than what I had figured, but I won’t be recommending it to anyone.

This films screams a 3 out of 5.

Derailed
After about 20mins, we turned this film off. It was terrible. If you like films about sick children, train riding, affairs, & rape… this might be up your alley.

I award this film 0 out of 5, and may God have mercy on the producers.

The Baxter
You know that guy that gets left at the alter when some dude bursts in at the last minute and proclaims his love for the almost married bride… He’s a Baxter. This movie stars the hilarious Michael Showalter (you’ll also see the other two members of STELLA in the film as well) as he is a complete and utter Baxter. Poor fella. This movie was a heck of a lot funnier than I hoped, and they mention geodes.

Geode mentioning adds another point or two in my book, so I give it a 4 out of 5.

Jarhead
“Welcome To The Suck” was the tagline for this film. I think that the tagline should have been “This Movie is teh Suck”. While they did a great job of filming, everything about it was boring. I’ve always been a war movie watcher. I watched this with my father and grandfather. So the excessive language was a bit much… This is probably the un-war-iest movie I’ve ever seen. From what I’ve come to learn by talking to people that were in Desert Storm that this movie really did capture the feeling for most over there.

I’m being gracious with a 1.5 out of 5.

“Don’t Let ‘em in your mouth!!!”

Horror films + Comedy Films aren’t the normal combination for a great movie. The only film I could think of that has pulled this combination off perfectly was Shawn of the Dead. Luckily, I can say that I know of another great horror comedy, Slither.

A small town is taken over by an alien plague, turning residents into zombies and all forms of mutant monsters.

Slither is supposed to be more of a b-movie than anything else, but I think the acting, story, and production values were better than most big budget films I’ve seen. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed this film to tell you the truth.

The film starred Nathan Fillion (Serenity) and Elizabeth Banks (40 Year Old Virgin). It was written and directed by James Gunn (Dawn of the Dead). You’ll be suprised to see that the reviews on RottenTomatoes gave this film a higher rating that V for Vendetta. Very impressive.

An excellent popcorn munching horror comedy that I would recommend to all.
4.5 out of 5